photo: Wes Hardison

When do you know?

I have started a new relationship.  And i am asking myself:  so when do you know it IS a relationship?

I had stopped blogging recently. The number of hits I have been getting on this site freaked me out.  I mean, yes, I am writing to be read, but at the same time I had this false sense of privacy.  And of course there is the ‘my mother reads my blog’ issue (hi mom).

I am fairly sure the person I am involved with will not be reading this.  And as for my mother,  I don’t dig that she reads this per se but hopefully she will be more discreet about her comments than she has been before.  (like, don't) Maybe she will take this simply as an opportunity to hear my thoughts directly from my head.  After all, a blog is not a dialogue.  In any case, surely  the person that has looked into your body cavities without flinching  deserves a peek into your mind.  A mind reveals itself slowly, changing and evolving as you go.  The heart stays the same.   And the soul,  well, I think I left mine around here somewhere.  I am sure I will come across it eventually.  I’m in no rush for that.  But the mind...

So when do you know it is a ‘real’ relationship.  Is it when you say things like:  "my girlfriend", "my boyfriend"…. Is that when?  Last year I briefly dated a much younger man.  After the first weekend of being together he soberly pulled me aside and asked me ‘what are we doing?’.  The moment was so formal.  Charming.  I enjoyed it and it made me feel good to be taken seriously.  But I knew it was not a ‘real’ relationship.

........

He takes me to the airport to see me off, gently.  Securely.  Just like he received me when i arrived.   He is mercurial in movement.  A light aura, but the face is dark. Contrasting.  Like the cultures he carries with him.  It is so late and the cavernous hall, void of people, does not swollow us.  It is like a cloak that hides our kissing, reaching for each other.  The lone guard hardly glances at my papers- is he embarrassed by the show of physical affection from a minute ago?  As i walk the long long long open corridor to the flights I think about the man i just left behind- is he thinking about me?  Is he watching me?  God, I am so immature, so ridiculous!  ... i clear my head.  At the end I can't help turn back for a second.  A few hundred meters away he is still there, waving now when he sees me turn as my head disappears down the escalator

This is a moment.  Like when he asks about a past boyfriend and then quickly adds that he doesn't really want to know;  '... no, don't tell me...'  Or it is just the weight of his hand between my shoulder blades..... 

Am i misreading signs?  Or are these moments?

Maybe it is the lift of his shoulder when he is playing pool.  An impromptu game.  I am so bad at it, but he is not.  I like the way his shoulder pulls up when he walks around the table, looking for a shot.  He begins to dream, losing concentration.  Missing balls.  But he lets it go.  Until the end when he gets himself together slowly, waking up.  "I better concentrate" he mumbles to himself.  And he sinks every ball.  If he had caught my eye watching him now, this may have been a moment for him.

It is the magic of a new relationship (as ben says).  It does feel magic.  And last or not last, these moments wont lose their power.

It is all in the details.  All of it.

Photo by Wes Hardison